Sailor - A Picture In Sound Of
The Royal Navy, BBC Records and Tapes 1978 , £1.00
Well shiver me timbers me old hearty matey
young Jim Jim Jimmy Jim Jim me lad. Ahoy for a seafaring voyage
to far off places and fine adventures,
though in practice it may include not having any aeroplanes on
your carrier, random events of flooding, getting shot at,
burned, being run aground by the captain, sunk etc.
Or, at least, to a random selection of pieces from the BBC
archives ruined by having sound effects recorded on Royal Navy
ships pasted on top of them. Track 3 is "Missile, where a basic
set of commands are given which ensure that the 'hostile'
(aircraft) is engaged and destroyed by the ship's Sea Cat
missile." This operation is performed to the accompaniment of Veni Creator Spiritus, sung
by the Monastic Choir of Hauterive Abbey Switzerland.
Let's hope God's on our side eh? Close inspection of the
front cover shows the varied sides of the Navy life, which you
can see in greater detail by clicking on it. The chap who
says 'affirmative' 0.75 of the way through sounds rather like
Peter Tuddenham doing Orac.
Plus points for having Theme One by George
Martin (the original 1967 Radio 1 Theme) and Adagio from the
Radiophonic Workshop.
Russ Conway Presents 24 Piano
Greats, Ronco 1977, 50p
While we're on the subject of Ronco,
does anyone remember that stunning Ronco product, made as ever
in brown plastic, the Ronco record-o-vac-o-matic? This was a
wedge shaped lump of plastic with a slot down the middle and
bits of felt attached either side of the slot. Inside there was
a couple of D size batteries and a toy motor attached to a
plastic centrifugal vacuum sucker which could move about 2ccs of
air an hour when externally wired to two car batteries in
series. You put quality Ronco anti static record cleaning fluid
on the nasty felt bits and put your record in the slot. This
then rotated somehow and proceeded to cover the surface in the
coloured water and glue dissolving off the felt bits while
simultaneously scratching the crap out of it. A cunning
corporate ploy to sell more Ronco records, I'll wager.
Anyway...Despite being recorded with
the grooves terribly close together as usual, this particular
album by "The Conmeister" has excellent renditions of many
timeless favourites. Yes, The Poor People Of Paris makes an
appearance again, A Walk In The Black Forest etc etc. Not to be
missed this one, for it will provide many hours of listening
pleasure.
Sidesaddle
Poor People
Of Paris
The ultimate compare and contrast
tune, as it is present on a great many of these instrumental
albums. I wonder if there are any lyrics to it?
Old Pianna Rag
Due to its very steady beat and
fairly well repeated nature you can make great loops of this for
comedy radio bed music by...
a) Looping it using some digital
editing program like Cooledit Pro and recording it onto a
minidisc.
b) Recording it onto 1/4 inch tape at
15ips on an EMI BTR3 and making one of those great big 24 bar
loops that runs all the way round the studio supported by
Newcastle Brown bottles and recording the resultant loop onto a
scabby old Aristocart with as much cart tape in it as you could
wind on it without inducing cart tape Autumn Leaf syndrome.
A Pocketful Of Dreams, Big Fun,
Zomba Records 1990, 50p
A pocketful of dreams eh? And I assumed it was
just the way he was standing. Not purchased because of its
musical qualities, nor to stare wistfully into those dreamy
eyes, but because of the pant-kackingly hilarious graffiti on
the front. What, you can't read it? I'll scan it sometime and
put a bigger picture behind the one above, though it doesn't
take too much imagination to guess the jist of it. Strangely,
came with a laminated cover. Is that ex-Radio Glen manager
Spotty Dave S. on the left there? No it's not, but the
similarity is uncanny:)
A Swingin' Safari, Bert Kaempfert
And His Orchestra, Polydor 1962, 50p
Jeez, 'fraid so, it's another dolly bird with
big knockers on the front. She's just dipped her toe in a
crocodile infested swamp and is wobbling a tad on her stiletos,
while still maintaining that elastic band enhanced smile and
those glazed over eyes. I didn't have very high hopes for this
one, which just goes to show that you should never judge a crap
record by the inaness of its cover. This is a real jem, and none
of your boring old Kaempfert so frequently seen on later
compilation albums of dreary, slow, over stringy Sleepy Shores
performances, Oh no! Here the man is on form and packs in the
up-beat tracks and chucks a couple of slow ones in just for
variety. The title tune Swingin'
Safariyou will surely recognise, Wimoweh is
of course the same tune as done by Tight Fit some years back,
but did you know that Zambesi
is on here too? You know, the one re-done by some band in the
80s? (wearily - "Yeeas") Well here it is in all its big-band
glory. Worth actually buying new on CD, if it's out.
While I'm at it, let's have a bit of a rave
about the recording quality on this disc. In short, excellent.
Full frequency stereo, it just goes to show what you can do with
valve mic preamps, recorders and 1962 mics if you know what
you're doing. Of course you'll have to buy the album to get the
full effect.
Stewpot's Pop Party
Spangley light effects courtesy of trees and
the sun.
Ed Stewart is fresh from the wig-maker, has
dropped something that is making his eyes cross wildly and is
raring for rock on this record from before the era of mobile
discos for kids parties. The idea being that you make some Ed
"Stewpot" Stewart's party hats and some 1970s levels tartrazine
loaded Stewpot jellies as detailed on the back of the attractive
gatefold sleeve and then bung this record on when the kids
arrive, leaving you free to light the blue touch paper, switch
the BSR deck on the Ferguson music centre to repeat and run
outside terribly quickly. There you are free to open a tin of
Long Life, smoke a fag, and listen to the distant sounds of
falling furniture, breaking glass and ritual torture coming from
within. Stewpot's time on Junior Choice ("Two seven-five and Two
eight-five... Radio One!" Saturday mornings in the pre- Swap
Shop era) stood him in good stead for sounding bonkers-matingly
enthused over playing "Tubby the Tuba," "My Brother" and "The
Laughing Policeman," for the sixteen billion-zillionth time on
air though here we are treated to crashingly bad cover versions
of pop classics sung by a chorus of stage school children.
Still, there is surely no substitute for the sideburn-tastic
clinically obese grossly sweating in his spingly-sparkly rubber
suit performance of Gary Glitter... Right Kids? "Yaaaaaaay!"
Introduction
and Glitter
The
Wombles
Eastenders Sing-Along (Original BBC Cast
Recording)
Stated as if that is intended to enthuse the
prospective purchaser in some way, here they are in all their
cockney barrel-boy and occasional faux Northen accentiness
intense boredom horror. Chip shop boy is brushing some dandruff
off his shoulder which has just flaked down from his greasy
locks, as the others watch him on the monitors and laugh
heartily.
Maybe
It's Because I'm A Londoner - The Whole Lot of 'em
Not for the faint hearted - here are the
solos. Arrrrrgghh!
Ship
Ahoy - Sharon Watts
Goodbye Dolly
Grey - Doctor Legg
Don't
Dilly Dally - Kathy Beale
The
Barrow Boy Song - Pete Beale
Daddy
Wouldn't Buy Me A Bow-Wow and Ennery The Eight I Am - Lou
Beale and Den Watts
Somebody
Stole My Gal - Arthur Fowler
Oh
Johnny Oh Johnny Oh
Dull It Isn't, The Metropolitan
Police Band, Decca 1974, £1
(Wow, look who's finally bought an A3
scanner!) Edit 2020: Which became useless after about 5
years when support for XP ended, and I couldn't get Win7 drivers
for it. That's environmental progress for you. Into
the Bin!
Dull It Isn't? Dull It Isn't? Is this
the police equivalent of irony? I thought they were usually much
better at it than that... oh no, sorry, I'm confusing irony with
sarcasm. You can tell there's been some desperation in the Decca
creative camp coming up with a catchy title, or maybe they were
trying not to be too misleading. The most interesting thing on
this record is the Rover speeding round Picadilly circus on the
cover. They might at least have done the Theme From Z cars.
Bobbins. Probably played during interrogations to reduce
hardened criminals to cowering wrecks.
Galaxy Gold, Neil Norman and his
Cosmic Orchestra, Chevron Records 1980, £1
Also available on cassette
The Final Spiele Frontier...
Ahhh, crank up the 8-track and journey into
space with Neil Norman and Les Baxter in his orange Austin Maxi.
I hope there's room in the back.
Wanky Star Trek
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